ZERO stars Southland Tales

[Twinkletoes: 0.0]

Twinkletoes says: 'I saw this thing a few weeks ago and I'm only now getting to review it because I just couldn't bear to think about it anymore. I will formally review it now only because Gino is starting to catch up to me in reviews this year.

This is the sophomore film from Richard Kelly who's Donnie Darko I was particularly fond of. What's it about? Well let's see. The Rock plays an action movie star and the husband of the daughter of a presidential candidate. A group that has invented an alternative fuel called Liquid Karma but has discovered that it has created a whole in the space time continuum so they decide to make The Rock go through it to see what happens. He comes out and now there are 2 of him. One of him has amnesia and gets involved with a porn star and a group of anarchists. There is a flying ice cream truck and a dance number on a huge blimp and that's about all I care to remember. I honestly don't know what to say about this thing so I will just leave you with some random thoughts on this mess.

- This movie counts among its cast Booger from Revenge of the Nerds, The Rock, Stifler from American Pie, Justin Timberlake, Mandy Moore, Sarah Michelle Gellar, John Larroquette and the always awful whether acting or directing (but especially acting) Kevin Smith. Oh and I forgot a whole season's worth Saturday Night Live folks including Cheri Oteri, John Lovitz, Nora Dunn (wow, she's still alive), Jeneane Garofalo and Amy Poehler. 2 questions, how can that cast be in anything but an awful film and where the hell was Victoria Jackson?

- At one point a SWAT team breaks into a building. There are about 20 of them and one happens to be a 3 foot midget. He's not a character in the film. He's just an extra. So my thinking is either they couldn't find a normal sized actor to play SWAT team member 17, or this is just a big "F-You" from a director trying to see how absurd he can get and still have a studio pay for this thing. My guess is the paraplegic SWAT team member was on the other side of that limit and landed on the cutting room floor.

- There is a scene where 2 cars are having sex with each other.

- Wallace Shawn and his "family" which included Booger and the exotic looking Bai Ling seemed to dress up in costumes that reminded me of one of Gino's favorite films, Mom and Dad Save the World.

- Yes there is a musical number!

- Yes there is a dance number!

- And no, they are not the same number!

- So I took a quick look at the archives and as far as I can tell I have given 0's to 5 films prior to this. They would be Pistoleros, Revolver, Battlefield Baseball, Rumor Has It and Iceberg. I would without a doubt rather see a film festival of any 4 of those films than watch this thing again. If I could, I would have given this thing a -5 stars.

- All in all I think this strikes me as what a current day Lindsay Anderson film would be like (in his O Lucky Man! and If… mode). That is if Lindsay Anderson was being given a huge budget, and was as inept as Andy Warhol at making films, and was sleeping with Lorne Michaels. This is the arthouse's Heaven's Gate.'